hmm.

So I just finished talking to one of my friends. He told me his story; well why he believes in the LDS church anyway. He had his struggles with life and believes that the church is the reason he has happiness. In a way, you could say that he believes that the only way to true happiness is through the LDS church. Is it? I'm sure all of my LDS friends would agree with him.
I'm curious.
I myself have never believed this. I believe that my parents are happy and will continue to be and they are not LDS. My aunt and uncle Bob and Diana are happy and they aren't LDS either. Then there is my aunt and uncle Jim and Elyse, who are LDS, and they don't seem to be nearly as happy as my parents or Bob and Diana.
But then maybe happiness and TRUE happiness are different things.
I know that there is more happiness among my friends who are LDS than many other people that I have met. But what if that comes from just being more driven than other people?
I don't know.
He also told me about the times that he started going to church, or something of the sort, and then stopped. He said that every time that he did, his life was better and he felt better. When he would stop going his life wasn't as good and he felt depressed. I believe him. I believe that a lot of people feel the same and have done the same.
This leaves me confused.
Every time that I have started going to church, or started praying... my life got worse. I don't get it. I mean, I want to believe like they do. Wouldn't it be great to know there is a God that loves you. It would be great to know you are destined for happiness if you follow "the rules". It would be great to know that you belong somewhere. I have asked for the motivation to find out the truth, or to know for myself. How come every time that I put forth any effort whatsoever life gets worse for me? I have asked some friends about this and they believe that Satan is trying to influence me away or something. I guess that could be true. But, if there is this higher power, divine being, then why wouldn't he also be trying to sway me towards "the truth"?
I don't get it.
There is also this talk of "the spirit" or Holy Ghost. This is their guide in life. Helps them make their life decisions and such. I believe that I have felt it, I mean the feeling they say they get from it. I also wonder though if the feeling just comes from strong hope or strong desire for a purpose in why we are here on this planet. Maybe a need to have a reason. For all I know, they are right that it is a higher power guiding them to righteousness.
hmm. I wonder.

life lessons

I keep wondering why life sucks so bad. Well at least for me it does. I've come to terms that I probably won't ever find a special someone. I have gotten comfortable with the idea and have decided that I will move away from this crap town and find a place of my own where I can have a dog. Yep.
Well anyway, back to life sucking. I know why... It's because I don't fit in anywhere. At least not anywhere in this mormon infested town. Not that I dislike them. Be serious, they are my best friends. The sucky part is, that I am not one of them. I don't know why, but something that is a huge part of me turns me away from the church anytime I start to get remotely close. This leads to me being part of the group, accepted and liked, but leaves me at a dead end. The only relationships I can really form with them are mild friendships. Of course there are exceptions to that... Alycia... and maybe Jackie... whom I believe will be a part of my life forever. See the majority of them are all just focused on getting married. Once they do, they no longer remain friends with other people... well not really anyway. And then there's the fact that I can't have a relationship with any of the guys for the fact that I am not one of them. I have learned that lesson one too many times. No more mormon boys for me... ha.
It's not just the mormons that I don't "fit" in with though... it's also the party crowd, which seems to be the only other crowd in this town besides the mormons... I'm even the odd one out in my family. It's sad, but true. I don't fit anywhere.
You are right. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough to find people more like me. Or maybe Pocatello just isn't the right fit. I have even been repeatedly told recently that I need to change. You know like "if you aren't getting what you want, you need to change what you want". These ideas of lowering my standards appall me and so do any that mean I need to change the core of my self to belong anywhere in this world. I feel like crap. I want to move.. to see if it's just Pocatello, or if I'm destined to be alone in life. I realize that no 2 people have the exact same standards, values, or all around belief system... but I'm just so much different. The outlier on one of those dot graphs; the number they throw out of the equation when finding the average.
I'm all alone.