I feel like I'm a living lie. I am. I pretend daily to be someone I'm not. I wonder who the real me is.. because I change depending on the people I'm around. I am realizing that the people who love me, are loving me because of my lie. My facade I use to make my life as easy as possible. I am not okay. I don't know how to deal. I try to pretend that it doesn't matter. That everyone does it to some extent, so that makes it okay... I'm lying to myself. I don't know how to be my real self. I don't even know that self. To tell the truth about some things would hurt others. Others that I love. I can't do that. Nor can I admit to being a certain way that is less that the standards I openly claim to have.
I have this problem with self destructive tendencies. It used to be food. Still is sometimes. I've learned that apathy and laziness are also prevalent in my life when I'm emotionally distraught. Another method of this self destruction, I let myself be used. Used in ways a strong person couldn't let themselves be. I think that blaming myself for everything is also a problem. I know not all of my issues are entirely my fault alone.. though it mostly is, because I should have been stronger.
Currently... I hate who I am.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's been awhile..
We'll start with the bad and end with the good. Had a boyfriend. First in my life. Gave him all my effort. Lasted a month. I hadn't mattered at all. He had a new girlfriend 2 weeks after it was over. Shoot. Learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I'm easy.
Became cuddle buddies with Kyle. SOOO much comfort. Trust him more than anyone. No real feelings for one another. JUST FRIENDS!! I'm hoping the more I yell it to people.. maybe they will actually start to believe it.
Slowly losing more and more respect for myself. Doing things I said I would never let myself do. Don't know how to make myself stop. Trying to gain control of my emotions wishing my moods were more consistent.
All my closest friends are leaving soon. Alycia goes on her mission in a month. She'll come back and be married. Things won't be the same. Caitlin is also leaving on a mission.. in march. Bethany only has one more year of school. She leaves to her home every time she gets the chance. She'll be gone all summer. Kyle only has a little school left. He leaves every summer. Jackie is almost married. I expect Kyle to be married within the next couple years too. He's trying to find someone...
I need to make new friends. Preferably ones who are in a different crowd than the one I'm in. I'm stuck in Pocatello for at least another year. BLEH!
So the good news! The semester is almost over! Bryan and Daren come back in August! Christmas is in a couple weeks... It's almost a new year! That much closer to my future... Losing weight. Got an awesome new game. Loves the hot tub we just got working.
yay for life!
Became cuddle buddies with Kyle. SOOO much comfort. Trust him more than anyone. No real feelings for one another. JUST FRIENDS!! I'm hoping the more I yell it to people.. maybe they will actually start to believe it.
Slowly losing more and more respect for myself. Doing things I said I would never let myself do. Don't know how to make myself stop. Trying to gain control of my emotions wishing my moods were more consistent.
All my closest friends are leaving soon. Alycia goes on her mission in a month. She'll come back and be married. Things won't be the same. Caitlin is also leaving on a mission.. in march. Bethany only has one more year of school. She leaves to her home every time she gets the chance. She'll be gone all summer. Kyle only has a little school left. He leaves every summer. Jackie is almost married. I expect Kyle to be married within the next couple years too. He's trying to find someone...
I need to make new friends. Preferably ones who are in a different crowd than the one I'm in. I'm stuck in Pocatello for at least another year. BLEH!
So the good news! The semester is almost over! Bryan and Daren come back in August! Christmas is in a couple weeks... It's almost a new year! That much closer to my future... Losing weight. Got an awesome new game. Loves the hot tub we just got working.
yay for life!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
hmm.
So I just finished talking to one of my friends. He told me his story; well why he believes in the LDS church anyway. He had his struggles with life and believes that the church is the reason he has happiness. In a way, you could say that he believes that the only way to true happiness is through the LDS church. Is it? I'm sure all of my LDS friends would agree with him.
I'm curious.
I myself have never believed this. I believe that my parents are happy and will continue to be and they are not LDS. My aunt and uncle Bob and Diana are happy and they aren't LDS either. Then there is my aunt and uncle Jim and Elyse, who are LDS, and they don't seem to be nearly as happy as my parents or Bob and Diana.
But then maybe happiness and TRUE happiness are different things.
I know that there is more happiness among my friends who are LDS than many other people that I have met. But what if that comes from just being more driven than other people?
I don't know.
He also told me about the times that he started going to church, or something of the sort, and then stopped. He said that every time that he did, his life was better and he felt better. When he would stop going his life wasn't as good and he felt depressed. I believe him. I believe that a lot of people feel the same and have done the same.
This leaves me confused.
Every time that I have started going to church, or started praying... my life got worse. I don't get it. I mean, I want to believe like they do. Wouldn't it be great to know there is a God that loves you. It would be great to know you are destined for happiness if you follow "the rules". It would be great to know that you belong somewhere. I have asked for the motivation to find out the truth, or to know for myself. How come every time that I put forth any effort whatsoever life gets worse for me? I have asked some friends about this and they believe that Satan is trying to influence me away or something. I guess that could be true. But, if there is this higher power, divine being, then why wouldn't he also be trying to sway me towards "the truth"?
I don't get it.
There is also this talk of "the spirit" or Holy Ghost. This is their guide in life. Helps them make their life decisions and such. I believe that I have felt it, I mean the feeling they say they get from it. I also wonder though if the feeling just comes from strong hope or strong desire for a purpose in why we are here on this planet. Maybe a need to have a reason. For all I know, they are right that it is a higher power guiding them to righteousness.
hmm. I wonder.
I'm curious.
I myself have never believed this. I believe that my parents are happy and will continue to be and they are not LDS. My aunt and uncle Bob and Diana are happy and they aren't LDS either. Then there is my aunt and uncle Jim and Elyse, who are LDS, and they don't seem to be nearly as happy as my parents or Bob and Diana.
But then maybe happiness and TRUE happiness are different things.
I know that there is more happiness among my friends who are LDS than many other people that I have met. But what if that comes from just being more driven than other people?
I don't know.
He also told me about the times that he started going to church, or something of the sort, and then stopped. He said that every time that he did, his life was better and he felt better. When he would stop going his life wasn't as good and he felt depressed. I believe him. I believe that a lot of people feel the same and have done the same.
This leaves me confused.
Every time that I have started going to church, or started praying... my life got worse. I don't get it. I mean, I want to believe like they do. Wouldn't it be great to know there is a God that loves you. It would be great to know you are destined for happiness if you follow "the rules". It would be great to know that you belong somewhere. I have asked for the motivation to find out the truth, or to know for myself. How come every time that I put forth any effort whatsoever life gets worse for me? I have asked some friends about this and they believe that Satan is trying to influence me away or something. I guess that could be true. But, if there is this higher power, divine being, then why wouldn't he also be trying to sway me towards "the truth"?
I don't get it.
There is also this talk of "the spirit" or Holy Ghost. This is their guide in life. Helps them make their life decisions and such. I believe that I have felt it, I mean the feeling they say they get from it. I also wonder though if the feeling just comes from strong hope or strong desire for a purpose in why we are here on this planet. Maybe a need to have a reason. For all I know, they are right that it is a higher power guiding them to righteousness.
hmm. I wonder.
Friday, January 1, 2010
life lessons
I keep wondering why life sucks so bad. Well at least for me it does. I've come to terms that I probably won't ever find a special someone. I have gotten comfortable with the idea and have decided that I will move away from this crap town and find a place of my own where I can have a dog. Yep.
Well anyway, back to life sucking. I know why... It's because I don't fit in anywhere. At least not anywhere in this mormon infested town. Not that I dislike them. Be serious, they are my best friends. The sucky part is, that I am not one of them. I don't know why, but something that is a huge part of me turns me away from the church anytime I start to get remotely close. This leads to me being part of the group, accepted and liked, but leaves me at a dead end. The only relationships I can really form with them are mild friendships. Of course there are exceptions to that... Alycia... and maybe Jackie... whom I believe will be a part of my life forever. See the majority of them are all just focused on getting married. Once they do, they no longer remain friends with other people... well not really anyway. And then there's the fact that I can't have a relationship with any of the guys for the fact that I am not one of them. I have learned that lesson one too many times. No more mormon boys for me... ha.
It's not just the mormons that I don't "fit" in with though... it's also the party crowd, which seems to be the only other crowd in this town besides the mormons... I'm even the odd one out in my family. It's sad, but true. I don't fit anywhere.
You are right. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough to find people more like me. Or maybe Pocatello just isn't the right fit. I have even been repeatedly told recently that I need to change. You know like "if you aren't getting what you want, you need to change what you want". These ideas of lowering my standards appall me and so do any that mean I need to change the core of my self to belong anywhere in this world. I feel like crap. I want to move.. to see if it's just Pocatello, or if I'm destined to be alone in life. I realize that no 2 people have the exact same standards, values, or all around belief system... but I'm just so much different. The outlier on one of those dot graphs; the number they throw out of the equation when finding the average.
I'm all alone.
Well anyway, back to life sucking. I know why... It's because I don't fit in anywhere. At least not anywhere in this mormon infested town. Not that I dislike them. Be serious, they are my best friends. The sucky part is, that I am not one of them. I don't know why, but something that is a huge part of me turns me away from the church anytime I start to get remotely close. This leads to me being part of the group, accepted and liked, but leaves me at a dead end. The only relationships I can really form with them are mild friendships. Of course there are exceptions to that... Alycia... and maybe Jackie... whom I believe will be a part of my life forever. See the majority of them are all just focused on getting married. Once they do, they no longer remain friends with other people... well not really anyway. And then there's the fact that I can't have a relationship with any of the guys for the fact that I am not one of them. I have learned that lesson one too many times. No more mormon boys for me... ha.
It's not just the mormons that I don't "fit" in with though... it's also the party crowd, which seems to be the only other crowd in this town besides the mormons... I'm even the odd one out in my family. It's sad, but true. I don't fit anywhere.
You are right. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough to find people more like me. Or maybe Pocatello just isn't the right fit. I have even been repeatedly told recently that I need to change. You know like "if you aren't getting what you want, you need to change what you want". These ideas of lowering my standards appall me and so do any that mean I need to change the core of my self to belong anywhere in this world. I feel like crap. I want to move.. to see if it's just Pocatello, or if I'm destined to be alone in life. I realize that no 2 people have the exact same standards, values, or all around belief system... but I'm just so much different. The outlier on one of those dot graphs; the number they throw out of the equation when finding the average.
I'm all alone.
Monday, October 19, 2009
glutton for punishment or just stuck
I'm watching him chase one of my dearest friends. Another girl who will never see him the way that I do. She'll never know him like I do. If she does... it won't matter. He's shorter than her which is something she will never go for. NO EXCEPTIONS! Ha. Maybe then, when it all goes down... after you have fallen for her hardcore and then she tells you she could never see you that way, you will know how it feels. Maybe she will even ask you to still be one of her best friends like your feelings for her can be pushed aside...
I will cross my fingers for you to know what it's like. Maybe that is too evil. Right now I just don't care about being the bigger person. I hate the position that I am in. Something about me is not good enough for you. Don't tell me that you don't know why, or that you have no reason not to like me back because then you are just lying. There has to be a reason, otherwise you would feel the same way about me as I feel for you.
Why do I stay your friend when I can't handle it? Maybe it's just because we have all of the same friends and I'm just stuck with you. Trying to be the best person I can, by not making awkward and acting like everything is fine. Or maybe I would rather be miserable and have you around than pretend that you don't exist and move on. Neither of these solutions is a good one...
I want to be happy... and you are in the way. Something needs to change. Maybe it's me. I should become different. Make guys want me for the wrong reasons. Why can't a guy just see me for who I really am and actually see me as more than a friend, or more than just one of the guys. Maybe it's just because I'm not attractive. That's what I feel the real answer is.
By the way, I really wish that everyone would stop telling me that I deserve better or that I am amazing and will find someone who is spectacular. Something is wrong with me and it definitely turns all guys away. Quit telling me that I am great or amazing.... The obvious lack of a line of guys following me proves it, I am NOT anything special.
I hate this.
I will cross my fingers for you to know what it's like. Maybe that is too evil. Right now I just don't care about being the bigger person. I hate the position that I am in. Something about me is not good enough for you. Don't tell me that you don't know why, or that you have no reason not to like me back because then you are just lying. There has to be a reason, otherwise you would feel the same way about me as I feel for you.
Why do I stay your friend when I can't handle it? Maybe it's just because we have all of the same friends and I'm just stuck with you. Trying to be the best person I can, by not making awkward and acting like everything is fine. Or maybe I would rather be miserable and have you around than pretend that you don't exist and move on. Neither of these solutions is a good one...
I want to be happy... and you are in the way. Something needs to change. Maybe it's me. I should become different. Make guys want me for the wrong reasons. Why can't a guy just see me for who I really am and actually see me as more than a friend, or more than just one of the guys. Maybe it's just because I'm not attractive. That's what I feel the real answer is.
By the way, I really wish that everyone would stop telling me that I deserve better or that I am amazing and will find someone who is spectacular. Something is wrong with me and it definitely turns all guys away. Quit telling me that I am great or amazing.... The obvious lack of a line of guys following me proves it, I am NOT anything special.
I hate this.
Friday, October 2, 2009
What is wrong with me?
It's the question that is repeating itself over and over again in my head. I honestly want to know. What is it that I do that scares all of you away? Maybe it's my looks... but I don't think that's it. I know that I am not the prettiest girl in the world, but I'm not ugly. Even when you see me for who I truly am and you tell me I'm amazing, what is it that makes me so uninteresting? I am the one you come to to talk about things. I am the one you like to hang out with more often than other people. So I ask you... why? What is it that makes me not good enough for you? I think we could really have something if you ever gave me a real chance. Honestly I shouldn't like you nearly as much as I do, and I certainly shouldn't be around you as often as I am. You have no idea the impact that you have on me. I am more miserable and more happy when you are around. Can you even imagine what that feels like? Feeling completely opposite feelings at the same time. It's awful. It makes me hate you when you aren't around, or when I'm not thinking about all of the things I love about you. Something NEEDS to change...
Friday, September 25, 2009
it's hard to quit something you love.
5% of the time i am 89% sure that you are into me as much as i am into you, the other 95% of the time i am 99% sure that you aren't, and and 100% of the time i am completely positive that you will never look at me with that intense awe in your eyes of which i desire for so strongly.
my friends warned me, but i thought i was strong and could resist the persisting thoughts of you. i was in denial for a long time. i admit it; i am completely obsessed. you are simply magical to me. the way you motivate me to be better and to care more, the way you invite me almost everywhere, the way you look at me when i have just surprised you, the way you carry yourself, the way you make me wonder if my heart has stopped beating or make me forget to breathe when you do a certain thing, the way you get things done when they need doing, the sound of your laugh when you truly find something funny, the way you kissed me on my cheek that one time, the way that you think i am cooler than i am, and the list goes on and on.
do you understand my problem yet? i care so much,way too much, and i haven't even let you in yet. i can't let you in ever... it would give you too much power... it would end up hurting me too badly. i hate this about you and i have noticed that i am rude to you more than to others for it. i can't let you hurt me when you don't even know. i will continue to keep this to myself... and those other few who know the partial truth of my feelings for you.
am i in pain now? yes. This is simply because i know it will never happen between us, because you will never care for me the way that i care for you. you could never care enough and we both know it. you want a girl who is prettier, and more motivated. i do not possess enough of these 2 qualities for you. i am a glutton for punishment, and i am my punisher. knowing that i can't have you makes my insides hurt... but it's better that i am the punisher to myself rather than you. this is why you can never know the truth of my feelings.
for these reasons i have to quit you. starting after next weekend. i HAVE TO quit you. i need to find another who i care about just as much or more, and have them care back.
this does not mean we won't be good friends. in fact you probably won't even notice a change. hopefully i will just spend less time with you and more time with new people.
my friends warned me, but i thought i was strong and could resist the persisting thoughts of you. i was in denial for a long time. i admit it; i am completely obsessed. you are simply magical to me. the way you motivate me to be better and to care more, the way you invite me almost everywhere, the way you look at me when i have just surprised you, the way you carry yourself, the way you make me wonder if my heart has stopped beating or make me forget to breathe when you do a certain thing, the way you get things done when they need doing, the sound of your laugh when you truly find something funny, the way you kissed me on my cheek that one time, the way that you think i am cooler than i am, and the list goes on and on.
do you understand my problem yet? i care so much,way too much, and i haven't even let you in yet. i can't let you in ever... it would give you too much power... it would end up hurting me too badly. i hate this about you and i have noticed that i am rude to you more than to others for it. i can't let you hurt me when you don't even know. i will continue to keep this to myself... and those other few who know the partial truth of my feelings for you.
am i in pain now? yes. This is simply because i know it will never happen between us, because you will never care for me the way that i care for you. you could never care enough and we both know it. you want a girl who is prettier, and more motivated. i do not possess enough of these 2 qualities for you. i am a glutton for punishment, and i am my punisher. knowing that i can't have you makes my insides hurt... but it's better that i am the punisher to myself rather than you. this is why you can never know the truth of my feelings.
for these reasons i have to quit you. starting after next weekend. i HAVE TO quit you. i need to find another who i care about just as much or more, and have them care back.
this does not mean we won't be good friends. in fact you probably won't even notice a change. hopefully i will just spend less time with you and more time with new people.
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