self destruction

I feel like I'm a living lie. I am. I pretend daily to be someone I'm not. I wonder who the real me is.. because I change depending on the people I'm around. I am realizing that the people who love me, are loving me because of my lie. My facade I use to make my life as easy as possible. I am not okay. I don't know how to deal. I try to pretend that it doesn't matter. That everyone does it to some extent, so that makes it okay... I'm lying to myself. I don't know how to be my real self. I don't even know that self. To tell the truth about some things would hurt others. Others that I love. I can't do that. Nor can I admit to being a certain way that is less that the standards I openly claim to have.
I have this problem with self destructive tendencies. It used to be food. Still is sometimes. I've learned that apathy and laziness are also prevalent in my life when I'm emotionally distraught. Another method of this self destruction, I let myself be used. Used in ways a strong person couldn't let themselves be. I think that blaming myself for everything is also a problem. I know not all of my issues are entirely my fault alone.. though it mostly is, because I should have been stronger.
Currently... I hate who I am.