self destruction

I feel like I'm a living lie. I am. I pretend daily to be someone I'm not. I wonder who the real me is.. because I change depending on the people I'm around. I am realizing that the people who love me, are loving me because of my lie. My facade I use to make my life as easy as possible. I am not okay. I don't know how to deal. I try to pretend that it doesn't matter. That everyone does it to some extent, so that makes it okay... I'm lying to myself. I don't know how to be my real self. I don't even know that self. To tell the truth about some things would hurt others. Others that I love. I can't do that. Nor can I admit to being a certain way that is less that the standards I openly claim to have.
I have this problem with self destructive tendencies. It used to be food. Still is sometimes. I've learned that apathy and laziness are also prevalent in my life when I'm emotionally distraught. Another method of this self destruction, I let myself be used. Used in ways a strong person couldn't let themselves be. I think that blaming myself for everything is also a problem. I know not all of my issues are entirely my fault alone.. though it mostly is, because I should have been stronger.
Currently... I hate who I am.

It's been awhile..

We'll start with the bad and end with the good. Had a boyfriend. First in my life. Gave him all my effort. Lasted a month. I hadn't mattered at all. He had a new girlfriend 2 weeks after it was over. Shoot. Learned a lot about myself. Mostly that I'm easy.
Became cuddle buddies with Kyle. SOOO much comfort. Trust him more than anyone. No real feelings for one another. JUST FRIENDS!! I'm hoping the more I yell it to people.. maybe they will actually start to believe it.
Slowly losing more and more respect for myself. Doing things I said I would never let myself do. Don't know how to make myself stop. Trying to gain control of my emotions wishing my moods were more consistent.
All my closest friends are leaving soon. Alycia goes on her mission in a month. She'll come back and be married. Things won't be the same. Caitlin is also leaving on a mission.. in march. Bethany only has one more year of school. She leaves to her home every time she gets the chance. She'll be gone all summer. Kyle only has a little school left. He leaves every summer. Jackie is almost married. I expect Kyle to be married within the next couple years too. He's trying to find someone...
I need to make new friends. Preferably ones who are in a different crowd than the one I'm in. I'm stuck in Pocatello for at least another year. BLEH!
So the good news! The semester is almost over! Bryan and Daren come back in August! Christmas is in a couple weeks... It's almost a new year! That much closer to my future... Losing weight. Got an awesome new game. Loves the hot tub we just got working.
yay for life!