I'm watching him chase one of my dearest friends. Another girl who will never see him the way that I do. She'll never know him like I do. If she does... it won't matter. He's shorter than her which is something she will never go for. NO EXCEPTIONS! Ha. Maybe then, when it all goes down... after you have fallen for her hardcore and then she tells you she could never see you that way, you will know how it feels. Maybe she will even ask you to still be one of her best friends like your feelings for her can be pushed aside...
I will cross my fingers for you to know what it's like. Maybe that is too evil. Right now I just don't care about being the bigger person. I hate the position that I am in. Something about me is not good enough for you. Don't tell me that you don't know why, or that you have no reason not to like me back because then you are just lying. There has to be a reason, otherwise you would feel the same way about me as I feel for you.
Why do I stay your friend when I can't handle it? Maybe it's just because we have all of the same friends and I'm just stuck with you. Trying to be the best person I can, by not making awkward and acting like everything is fine. Or maybe I would rather be miserable and have you around than pretend that you don't exist and move on. Neither of these solutions is a good one...
I want to be happy... and you are in the way. Something needs to change. Maybe it's me. I should become different. Make guys want me for the wrong reasons. Why can't a guy just see me for who I really am and actually see me as more than a friend, or more than just one of the guys. Maybe it's just because I'm not attractive. That's what I feel the real answer is.
By the way, I really wish that everyone would stop telling me that I deserve better or that I am amazing and will find someone who is spectacular. Something is wrong with me and it definitely turns all guys away. Quit telling me that I am great or amazing.... The obvious lack of a line of guys following me proves it, I am NOT anything special.
I hate this.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
What is wrong with me?
It's the question that is repeating itself over and over again in my head. I honestly want to know. What is it that I do that scares all of you away? Maybe it's my looks... but I don't think that's it. I know that I am not the prettiest girl in the world, but I'm not ugly. Even when you see me for who I truly am and you tell me I'm amazing, what is it that makes me so uninteresting? I am the one you come to to talk about things. I am the one you like to hang out with more often than other people. So I ask you... why? What is it that makes me not good enough for you? I think we could really have something if you ever gave me a real chance. Honestly I shouldn't like you nearly as much as I do, and I certainly shouldn't be around you as often as I am. You have no idea the impact that you have on me. I am more miserable and more happy when you are around. Can you even imagine what that feels like? Feeling completely opposite feelings at the same time. It's awful. It makes me hate you when you aren't around, or when I'm not thinking about all of the things I love about you. Something NEEDS to change...
Friday, September 25, 2009
it's hard to quit something you love.
5% of the time i am 89% sure that you are into me as much as i am into you, the other 95% of the time i am 99% sure that you aren't, and and 100% of the time i am completely positive that you will never look at me with that intense awe in your eyes of which i desire for so strongly.
my friends warned me, but i thought i was strong and could resist the persisting thoughts of you. i was in denial for a long time. i admit it; i am completely obsessed. you are simply magical to me. the way you motivate me to be better and to care more, the way you invite me almost everywhere, the way you look at me when i have just surprised you, the way you carry yourself, the way you make me wonder if my heart has stopped beating or make me forget to breathe when you do a certain thing, the way you get things done when they need doing, the sound of your laugh when you truly find something funny, the way you kissed me on my cheek that one time, the way that you think i am cooler than i am, and the list goes on and on.
do you understand my problem yet? i care so much,way too much, and i haven't even let you in yet. i can't let you in ever... it would give you too much power... it would end up hurting me too badly. i hate this about you and i have noticed that i am rude to you more than to others for it. i can't let you hurt me when you don't even know. i will continue to keep this to myself... and those other few who know the partial truth of my feelings for you.
am i in pain now? yes. This is simply because i know it will never happen between us, because you will never care for me the way that i care for you. you could never care enough and we both know it. you want a girl who is prettier, and more motivated. i do not possess enough of these 2 qualities for you. i am a glutton for punishment, and i am my punisher. knowing that i can't have you makes my insides hurt... but it's better that i am the punisher to myself rather than you. this is why you can never know the truth of my feelings.
for these reasons i have to quit you. starting after next weekend. i HAVE TO quit you. i need to find another who i care about just as much or more, and have them care back.
this does not mean we won't be good friends. in fact you probably won't even notice a change. hopefully i will just spend less time with you and more time with new people.
my friends warned me, but i thought i was strong and could resist the persisting thoughts of you. i was in denial for a long time. i admit it; i am completely obsessed. you are simply magical to me. the way you motivate me to be better and to care more, the way you invite me almost everywhere, the way you look at me when i have just surprised you, the way you carry yourself, the way you make me wonder if my heart has stopped beating or make me forget to breathe when you do a certain thing, the way you get things done when they need doing, the sound of your laugh when you truly find something funny, the way you kissed me on my cheek that one time, the way that you think i am cooler than i am, and the list goes on and on.
do you understand my problem yet? i care so much,way too much, and i haven't even let you in yet. i can't let you in ever... it would give you too much power... it would end up hurting me too badly. i hate this about you and i have noticed that i am rude to you more than to others for it. i can't let you hurt me when you don't even know. i will continue to keep this to myself... and those other few who know the partial truth of my feelings for you.
am i in pain now? yes. This is simply because i know it will never happen between us, because you will never care for me the way that i care for you. you could never care enough and we both know it. you want a girl who is prettier, and more motivated. i do not possess enough of these 2 qualities for you. i am a glutton for punishment, and i am my punisher. knowing that i can't have you makes my insides hurt... but it's better that i am the punisher to myself rather than you. this is why you can never know the truth of my feelings.
for these reasons i have to quit you. starting after next weekend. i HAVE TO quit you. i need to find another who i care about just as much or more, and have them care back.
this does not mean we won't be good friends. in fact you probably won't even notice a change. hopefully i will just spend less time with you and more time with new people.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Summer
It's been raining like mad.. I can't find a job.. I have nobody to hang out with... It's been tough. I don't like the system; I mean no one will hire you if you have no work experience and if no one will hire you, you can't attain any work experience. Bleh.
Now that Mac is back Alycia isn't around very often. Jackie has Jake. Kyle is in New Mexico. Thats my whole 3 best friends that are preoccupied. Alycia and Jackie are more than willing to let me tag along as a third wheel... but a lonely heart can only handle that not very often. UHG. It would be so great if Daren and Bryan lived in Poky. They are fun.
I guess I shouldn't complain. I have gone camping a few times. I have had fun. just not as often as i would like...
BLEH.
Now that Mac is back Alycia isn't around very often. Jackie has Jake. Kyle is in New Mexico. Thats my whole 3 best friends that are preoccupied. Alycia and Jackie are more than willing to let me tag along as a third wheel... but a lonely heart can only handle that not very often. UHG. It would be so great if Daren and Bryan lived in Poky. They are fun.
I guess I shouldn't complain. I have gone camping a few times. I have had fun. just not as often as i would like...
BLEH.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
People Who Matter
Well I figured that this would be a good place to write down the individual people in my life that truly matter to me; and of course why. :)
-My family: So there is my mom. She is truly amazing. I can't even imagine what she has been through in her life. How she has become the great person that she is I have no idea. First and foremost she is a mother, always worrying about how her kids are doing and doing anything in her power to make them happy. My dad, he is kind of strict. His motto is if you have something to get done... GET IT DONE. haha. We have not always gotten along the best because my motto is.. THINGS CAN WAIT... I will eventually get around to it. We work around it though. He is also the hardest worker I have ever known. If he is not on the job, he is doing something at home whether it is fixing lights, the roof, putting up a new fence, of fixing the sink. He even turned our big empty space of a basement into an actual basement with two bedrooms, a junk room, and a bathroom. Then next in line is my half brother, Jared. He is 25 and he likes to party it up. I really admire his willingness to help people. I a person asks him for his help he is almost more than willing to put in his effort. Then comes Craig. This 21 year old guy is very intelligent. Can't say so much about his effort... but he can handle himself. I am pretty sure that he will likely end up very rich. Nick is my youngest brother, and he is still in high school. He has a girlfriend and he definitely treats her right. He definitely has a lot of heart to put into the people around him and the things he chooses to do.
-Friends:
Jackie - So this lovely lady came into my life freshmen year of high school and she has always been a symbol of joy and cheerfulness. :) It was not until this year that I started to discover that she is oh so much more than that. The guy who wins her heart is going to be very lucky... and many have already tried. She is always so good and just striving to be her best. She is musically inclined and she clogs. She is basically the sweetest "real" person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Sarah - I met sarah in english 102 my first semester of college. I am pretty sure we were friends after the first day. :) we haven't had much time to spend together partly because she is from boise and she travels there often and partly because she lives a busy life working, being in a sorority, and strenuously working at getting into the nursing program. I can't say that I know her all that well, but I know she is true, and that she is a good friend.
to be continued...
-My family: So there is my mom. She is truly amazing. I can't even imagine what she has been through in her life. How she has become the great person that she is I have no idea. First and foremost she is a mother, always worrying about how her kids are doing and doing anything in her power to make them happy. My dad, he is kind of strict. His motto is if you have something to get done... GET IT DONE. haha. We have not always gotten along the best because my motto is.. THINGS CAN WAIT... I will eventually get around to it. We work around it though. He is also the hardest worker I have ever known. If he is not on the job, he is doing something at home whether it is fixing lights, the roof, putting up a new fence, of fixing the sink. He even turned our big empty space of a basement into an actual basement with two bedrooms, a junk room, and a bathroom. Then next in line is my half brother, Jared. He is 25 and he likes to party it up. I really admire his willingness to help people. I a person asks him for his help he is almost more than willing to put in his effort. Then comes Craig. This 21 year old guy is very intelligent. Can't say so much about his effort... but he can handle himself. I am pretty sure that he will likely end up very rich. Nick is my youngest brother, and he is still in high school. He has a girlfriend and he definitely treats her right. He definitely has a lot of heart to put into the people around him and the things he chooses to do.
-Friends:
Jackie - So this lovely lady came into my life freshmen year of high school and she has always been a symbol of joy and cheerfulness. :) It was not until this year that I started to discover that she is oh so much more than that. The guy who wins her heart is going to be very lucky... and many have already tried. She is always so good and just striving to be her best. She is musically inclined and she clogs. She is basically the sweetest "real" person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Sarah - I met sarah in english 102 my first semester of college. I am pretty sure we were friends after the first day. :) we haven't had much time to spend together partly because she is from boise and she travels there often and partly because she lives a busy life working, being in a sorority, and strenuously working at getting into the nursing program. I can't say that I know her all that well, but I know she is true, and that she is a good friend.
to be continued...
Alycia - This girl is like family. We have been friends for about 7 years. I can honestly say that this remarkable woman knows more about me that just about anyone. She is a lot like her mother, well in that she works incredibly hard working and is almost always busy. She is extremely dedicated and very devoted to her family. I truly care about this girl.
I Feel Like BLEH.
So do you ever feel like you are wasting your life away? I sure do. I sit around and watch tv for most of my time. It's meaningless... just like the rest of my life. I go to school sure... but I have no idea what I want to do with my life so basically it is pointless anyway. Ugh. Yeah I guess I do have friends, but it's not like they will be around forever and usually they are busy actually having lives. I do close to nothing to help people. I don't know how. I don't have a job, simply because I don't have to. Man I just wish I felt like I had a good reason for exsisting. I am a waste of a human being.
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